Flying Without Wings

Assalamualaikum,

I'm back. Kids are asleep now and I manage to find a lil time to read what's in my draft. Apparently I did write a few posts but I didn't have courage to post it. But this one, I think I'm going to publish. I wrote this more than 2 years ago. Ironically, I still have that same kind of feeling up until now. Whatever it is, Que sera sera, whatever will be will be. I planned, I tried but if things still not going well, so I know God has better plan for me. And to those who keeps telling/perli me that I don't have any plan blablabla (she dont even read my blog pfft), I hope you will never have to experience what I'm going through, because as far as I'm concern, I have more time to teach and to spend time with my kids more than you. And at least I don't need any helper just to shower my kids everyday. Just please, always be grateful and mind your own family.


Flying Without Wings

Trying so hard

Hold on so tight

Yet things never change

I never change

I cannot change

Heartless

Jobless

Mindless

What else in this world do I deserve?

If only I can be as patient as I could be

If only I can be happy just as happy as others

If only I can throw away this stupid ugly hatred against everything in my deep concious mind

Why do I live like this?

I don't like living in this emotion like others tell me I did

I do everything I could to make things be just like what I imagine

But the thing is

It never will

I am not God to change anything

I can't even handle things on my own

I tried but now I'm tired

Tired to make everything make sense

I prayed a lot even some take it as I'm showing off
And another some think I did not strive for my best
If only they knew how much I tried
If only they knew what I'm feeling deep inside
But after all, who cares?
Oh dear,

What else in this world is left for me?

There are always time when 

I hate when I cannot control myself

I hate when I cannot handle things on my own

I hate when I cannot let people go on their own way

And to top it off

I HATE MYSELF

For being the stupidest ugliest fattest childish child on the earth.

And people don't like me

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.
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Just like the same way I don't like them

Perhaps...

These will work...

Love? I wonder if this solve everything..

I tried but now I'm tired

I know Allah will let this pass

This too shall pass

Have faith Jannah

Just have faith.

-adios-