A chain on a dog.

 Assalamualaikum.

As usual, just wanna write something here coz I don't really have real friends to tell what I feel. My real friends are all busy with work and family and all I have is myself. Since my menstrual cycle will due soon, I've been feeling all cloudy and emotional for the past few days. I hate it when it feels like this.

Just to state here, we are finally living in Borneo. A place I hated sooooo much because of the past. But the moment I knew we will probably move here, I tried really hard to set my mind with positive thoughts. Coz I knew what I feel now is gonna happen. The moment I knew - was monthsss ago. Imagine living in a place that was once been curse, by your own self, because of others behaviour. It's tough. It's really tough.

I tried to convince myself, my kids, it's gonna be okay. But I too knew that the most hardest part in moving to other place ---- ADAPTATION. The kids have been schooling for 3 weeks already. However, yesterday, my eldest son broke into tears. Long story cut, he's realllly homesick, and sad because we are not going back for raya. He even asked me to move back to semenanjung coz he doesn't feels like he belongs here. I convinced him, it's gonna be okay. It's just we need time to adapt to a new environment. He requested to sleep in our room, and I'm okay. Coz I knew he needs that kind of comfort to stay sane. I even burst into tears too yesterday.

Little did I knew, today, something triggered me that I realized that I am not okay too. It's must be embarassing if my sons knew that I, too, feel like moving back to semenanjung. I think the incident was funny enough for everyone to think that it triggered me so much. I drove my car to pick up my sons at school this afternoon. As I drove out of the military base, I just wave my hand as I usually did since I came here a month ago, and since two years ago at military headquarters in KL. Never once I put down my window except during night, which you need to also turn off the car lights when you are at the gate. However, this time, during my way back, as I entered the base, the guy at the gate asked me to put down the window, and tell me nicely "Assalamualaikum puan, kalau lalu sini kena buka tingkap ye puan. Maaf ye. Terima kasih". I repeat, he said that nicely. I just want to state that what he did was not wrong at all. It's in the rules, so you follow. Period. Whether you've been following the rules all these while or not, that's not the case.

So back at home, what is triggering me is, I suddenly feel like I am stuck somewhere in a locked area where I can't be free. And just so you know, so many thoughtsssss that come after. I started to feel stuck, lock, and I can't properly breathe. I suddenly realized that I lived in a place that people around you are somehow know you. And when you make silly mistake, people will know you, your husband, your family. Ouh and I hate that sooooooo much. I also realize that I've been giving so many fake smiles and laughs to people I meet. I attended meetings & events for the past few weeks and realized that I actually pretending to be someone I am not. I cannot do my stupid jokes, I need to hold my language around people, and I don't have friends that I think can go well with me. And worst, I don't even know who I can talk with, safely. Also, some people here are also sooo cynical and loveeeee body shaming others (but in a sinis, perli, joking and smiling way). Gosh.

Worst of the worst --- You know all the things I hate, I need to see it here everyday. Especially when the place I hate is located along the way I need to go through everyday. Worst, my youngest son's school is just few metres from the other place I hate. I realized I've been burying this hate feeling down the iceberg mountain deep inside my heart. Because it hurts so much everytime it reminds me of the past. I thought by not thinking, burying it, I will be okay. But I thought wrong. The feeling doesn't sink, it blow up. And now, I can only live with the scattered waste around me.

Honestly, my head hurts. My heart, does not functioning anymore. I live everyday pretending to be someone I am not. The only one I got is Allah. I hate this feeling, I hate this place and I hate that I now need to live like this. I want to live outside where I can be silly anytime. Where I can laugh genuinely. Where I can be whatever I want. 

But I don't have any option. I need to show my kids, I am okay. I even decorate my house so cozy so that they can feel like home. I want them to be happy and make new friends. Even though I might not be capable of doing that to make myself happy.

May Allah ease.

-adios-