Just an abnormal thoughts in the middle of night.

 Assalamualaikum...

Tonight I feel like writing. I don't know where to start. I just can't sleep. Not sure because of the late evening caffeine that I had today or just my haywire mind. I just need to let things out of my head. Somehow this is my safe place. Well, at least for now. As I told you, only people with the link can read this as I switched off the search engine button.

I don't know how to feel. But maybe it is just my stupid instinct telling me something is not right somewhere. But I don't have any proof. Maybe it is just instinct, a meanless dream. Or maybe it is really happening, without me realising it since he became an expert in hiding things after almost 10 years of marriage. 

As all of you know, I hate myself. I always hate myself. For wrongly choosing people, wrongly chose my pathway in life, and for so many things that happened in my life. Sometimes I feel like I don't know my purpose in my life. Most of the time I feel clueless. And there was a time when I think a divorce will make my life better. In terms of my heart, my job, or maybe my finances. I just don't know what I want anymore.

My efforts might be not enough. I can't get a job. And worse, I DON'T HAVE ANY MOTIVATION TO STAY ALIVE. Yes, I said it.

I want to study and read for my PhD thesis, but then I just feel demotivated that I continue to browse useless things on social media.

I want to start exercising and eating clean, but then I just feel super demotivated that I continue to eat and eat whenever I don't feel right.

And there are so many things that I just can't do.

There were too many times that I don't even do anything. Just sleep and sleep and sometimes I stare at the ceiling, blankly. 

I don't know what to do.

They say go solat, bangun tahajud, mengaji. I did all. It does help. But maybe I wasn't focused enough.

It's tiring. Living like this. 

Today I am so happy for my first son. He got excellent results in the mid-term exam. At times like this, I do feel like finally I did something right for him. But I only feel happy for a while. I don't know why.

I laugh every day at silly things. But I can't seem to find happiness. I don't know why but I just can't feel it.

I feel like I'm living alone. 

Like really alone.

Nobody hears what I say.

Nobody even cares what I feel like. 

Dear Allah, whenever I die, please forgive me cause I have always to be a normal human being.

And now, my heart just wanna scream out loud. 

But I can't.

I can only cry.

For no reason.

What the hell is wrong with me.

Help me..

Or just dont.