Thought in the middle of the night.

Assalamualaikum,

I just finished deleting lots of photos in my phone, searching for answer for my dissertation work (which I could'nt find one and now I am stuck arghhh damn it), AND stalking my own instagram photos. Haha.

Well, I actually scrolled my post until the end of the page and there were sooooo many pictures which erm... I dont know.

You know at one time I always feel frustrated with my own self. But of course I dont show it to public. People look I'm okay but the thing is I got these all mix feeling.

Resigning from my work was a very tough situation that ever happened to me. People may see I look okay, but I am not. I feel free, but I feel frustrated for myself because I am not able to make it. I feel sad, but I feel relieved as well. I believe my fellow friend who resigned during their housemanship also feel the same.

And now it keeps bothering me and inside my head, it will always be "what if". What if I did not resign dulu? What if I am still in the service? What if I chose the right path dulu like others tell me I should do back then? Would I be rich now? Would I be happy now? Would I even get pregnant? Would my husband leave me for being busy? Would I start up my own clinic now?


But then to think of it, hurm. Everything happened for a reason. Reason(s) in fact. I prayed istikharah every night before I hand in my resign letter. And I believe what I did is not because of what I think, but because Allah has plan that nicely to me. And then another kind of "what if" come across my mind. What if I made mistake? What if this is a kind of punishment for my sins? What if this is not the best way I should go at the first place? And the list goes on.

Ironically, now, my life is not getting any better, neither worse. It is just, I am trying hard to live in the present, not looking back my previous life and making it look like I am a failure, and striving for a better future.

After all, that is the only option left. I DO NOT HAVE ANY CHOICE.

Wish me luck, and I wish you too the best luck for your life!


Till then, toodles!

-adios-