Crazy

Assalamualaikum,

Hurm. I think i need help. I think I'm getting crazier day by day. I love my children. But I cant stand them whining, merengek and menangis, especially Zaheen. I realized I easily lose my temper nowadays. I shout like a crazy person. I didnt intend to. But it just burst out of mind like i dont know. Its feel like something exploding out from my mind and mouth. Sometimes I even used nproper language, not cursing, more like aku or something. I know, i know, i know. Nothing all of these will make the situation better pun. But urghhhhh you know that's why I said I'm getting crazier  everyday. 

I personally lose my hope. I even tell my husband if ever i get into psychiatric ward, please take care of my kids. I hate this feeling. I cried almost every night to see my child sleep. I love them, really love. But why do I lost my temper on them so easy? The migrain(s) I got after screaming and shouting to them recently become more frequent. I hate myself like this. I dont wanna scold them.
It Just. Happened. 

I tried applying tips on how to control my anger, yet I failed again. Dont ask me to rapatkan diri dengan Allah as you dont know how much I pray and pray and pray for Allah seeking for help. 

All these time I just feel like a loser. I am not a good mother to my child. I am not a good daughter to my parents (will never be pun as I always think my siblings think I susahkan them a lot since I resign as a doctor-susahkan in term I perabih duit dieorg, malukan dieorg etc which is i admit and that is why i feel like a loser).  I am not a good wife too.
Above all, I am truly loser.

What should I do now? 

Maybe things will get better for everyone if I dont even exist.

-adios-